


Illuminate My Doubts

by pesterednoodle



Category: K (Anime)
Genre: Depression, Emotional, Fluff and Angst, Multi, References to Depression, mostly angst, writing style shift
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-06
Packaged: 2021-01-24 10:27:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21336730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pesterednoodle/pseuds/pesterednoodle
Summary: In the dark, giving up wasn't bad. There was no bad. But that's until you find a light source. That flashlight to show perspective. It shines on your thoughts, giving you the most beautiful view you've ever seen on life.
Relationships: Totsuka Tatara/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 5





	Illuminate My Doubts

**Author's Note:**

> I was heavily inspired to do this because of nihilisten's story 'first and last and always'. That beautiful work has me crying over Circle of Friend now.

: 1 :

When you're in the dark, there are no contrasts to be found. There is no good and bad, there is no up and down, there is no left and right. There is just stagnancy. Just nothing. At least, nothing physical. Because what is always there, is thought. Endless pools of silent words being spoken, ridiculing, mocking, tearing down your self-esteem, self worth, everything that is yourself. 

That was what depression felt like. 

Everyday was another struggle, another 24 hours of asking yourself "is this still worth it? Is life really still worth it?" Trying to think over the silent words. 

In the dark, giving up wasn't bad. There was no bad.

But that's until you find a light-source. That flashlight to show perspective, to shine on those contrasts. It shines on your thoughts as well, giving you the most beautiful view you've ever seen on life.

That light-source was Tatara Totsuka.

His smile was the very definition of hope, giving you something to look forward to when you arose from your bed in the morning. You wanted to see that smile every day- every moment of your life. In his eyes, you saw your future, everything you wanted out of life. And he was yours- at least, he was for the evening 'til the sun rise. 

He would wake up early, leave to spend time with his family over at HOMURA; always ensuring to stir you from your slumber just enough to let you know he was leaving and to give you the sweetest of kisses.

Then you would spend the entirety of your day happy, whether your were in class or work, because you knew you were going to go home that evening to the kitchen light on, and varied smells wafting throughout the apartment and the best man you'd ever known just around the corner. Even on your worst days, you felt immense relief to be home, because he would always recognize your pain immediately and make sure to hold you in his arms for as long as you needed. Not because he felt like he had to, but because he wanted to. He just wanted you to be okay.

You were never one to be religious, but if there was a heaven, you knew this is what it would feel like. 

That's why when you got home one day, finding the kitchen light off, the temperature of the house chilly from the lack of habitancy, you found worry setting in. You'd grown so use to coming home for the past year to the same sights, the same smell, the same feeling of home. You went into the kitchen to find a note placed on the counter. That was right, it was _**December 7th**_, he'd told you he would be planning for one of the red clansmen's birthday. He was going to be home late. The idea that you may have to go to bed alone left a bad taste in your mouth. You didn't want to be jealous, but he was always yours at this time. 

This was fine. It was one night, you'd get through it.

_ **(December 8th)** _

You slowly stirred, eyes peeling open. You were shivering, the cold night air nipping at you, even under your comforter. Something felt wrong. Something felt so horribly wrong. You jolted awake, eyes darting to the spot beside you. It was empty. You looked at the time and felt immediate relief. He had probably woken up already. You were usually good at stirring awake when he left, just to get one more glimpse of your hope before he was gone again for the day, but this time you must have been out cold. It kind of left a bitter feeling in you to know that you hadn't really seen your boyfriend in an entire day, but you knowing you would be seeing him that night still kept that hope within you.

Then he didn't respond to any of your texts. Nor was he picking up your calls. The panic truly set in when you got home. You were greeted by darkness.

You began making call after call, going out to anywhere he or the other red clansmen would be. But there was no Totsuka. There was no one.

There was no light.

_ **(December 9th)** _

You called into work and emailed your professors, letting them know that you wouldn't be in that day. You spent the day trying to get in contact with Totsuka and HOMURA.

Still nothing.

_ **(December 10th)** _

Nothing.

_ **(December 11th)** _

Nothing.

_ **(December 12th)** _

You got a call from Kusanagi early that morning letting you know that Totsuka had passed a couple days prior. 

Totsuka was gone.

There was only darkness left for you.

_ **(December 14th)** _

You had been in bed since the call. You couldn't tell if you were hungry or thirsty, you just knew that you felt lonely. Numb. The only sense being occupied was your hearing as you kept the T.V. in your bedroom on to get out of your head. It was what Totsuka would always have you do if you were feeling low. And going through those motions felt momentarily comforting, like he was there instructing you. You would only move to turn it off, take a moment, then turn it back on for that very reason.

The you heard it. The unfamiliar, news broadcaster's voice was cut off abruptly, replaced by an all too familiar one.

_"Hey, how are you doing? It's a nice night out isn't it?"_

You jerked into an up right position, wide eyes and heart pounding.

"Totsuka!"

You looked around.

Nothing.

You spent a moment in immense grief, thinking you'd just imagined his voice. Until you looked to the T.V. and the voice, very clearly Totsuka's, continued speaking. The video being shown was very poor quality with a man leaning against a railing, over-looking the city and humming.

You relished in every word that was spoken, thinking you'd never hear that voice again. But confusion still shattered what peace you had in hearing it. Totsuka was the one filming the boy, but what you couldn't understand was why this was playing or who this guy was.

Then the humming turned to chuckling, and chuckling turned to maniacal laughter, causing confusion to shift to dread in you.

Next thing you know the boy turned around and pulled a gun. And pulled the trigger.

You didn't even recognize the scream that tore from your lips until it was cut off with a heavy sob, your hands shooting to shield your eyes upon watching the camera roll as it clattered to the ground, now filming Totsuka's face.

You sobbed into your hands, your whole body quaking and wrench with every heavy sob. You didn't know how long you would have been there like that if it weren't for another voice speaking.

The boy. Totsuka's killer.

Then the video paused on his face and you just stared at it, engraving every feature into your memory.

Something new lit inside of you, drawing you from the dark.

After an undeterminable amount of time, you heard your front door open. You found yourself not really caring if you'd ever locked it, nor did you care that someone was breaking into your house.

Your name was spoken.

You slowly turned your head to look at the figure at your door frame. You didn't really know the members of HOMURA, but you had met Kusanagi. Said male stared down at you, eyes filled with an intense emotion, a mixture of guilt and pity. Some sympathy could also be found within that gaze. Considering his tense form from the sight of you, you suddenly understood where the pity was coming from. You must've looked like an absolute wreck. But you didn't care. You couldn't.

"He's dead," you commented with hoarse words for no particular reason, after all, Kusanagi had been the one to tell you. It just felt... Like you had to say it aloud, otherwise you could never truly believe it.

"Yes," he spoke just above a whisper. After another moment of silence, he approach you, placing a gentle hand to your head in attempted comfort, but his gaze was fixed on the screen where that figure still stood frozen, smirking. "I'm sorry you had to see that... I should have-"

"Who is he?" This time, you voice came out clearly, due to the underlying growl in your tone.

"We don't know who he is yet, this had been an attempt to draw him out."

"And?"

He drew his hand from your head, looking back to you as your own gaze was now glued to the face on the screen. "We found him, however complication followed rather quickly. We will find him, though."

"I want in."

"Huh?"

A fire burned in your eyes, hatred boiling within you. This was your new light source in the darkness that was your mind; your thing to look forward to. This hatred that blazed and spread.

_ **"I want to kill him."** _


End file.
